Mario Chalmersiz Update…
The Vibralux Denim Mario Chalmersiz are undefeated!!! They have started the season 4-0 in the Kaw Valley Kickball League, and currently are ranked #4 out of 32 teams. Here’s a recap of how their season has gone so far.
Week 1: Chalmersiz vs Red Lyon
Well…nothing like starting the season off against the #8 ranked team in the league, yikes! The Chalmersiz got caught with their weiners hanging out and gave up 3 quick runs in the bottom of the first. Coach Candie immediately opened another beer, and rallied the troops. During the next 7 innings, the Chalmersiz would get their “D” on Cialis and only gave up 1 run en route to an 8-4 lead. The offense came around too, with multiple doubles coming from Justin Cox and a near 165 ft homerun by ringer Matt Lechtenberg(The ball was 3 ft from clearing a 10 ft fence). The bottom of the 9th saw Chalmersiz veteran & owner of the newly formed disc golf company Grip Equipment Justin “Soobs” Atwater get posterized when a ball was kicked over his head for a 2 run homer. He has since apologized & is currently still serving out his lifetime sentence of non-stop push ups.Fortunately, the Chalmersiz held on, and won the game 8-6.
Week 2: Chalmersiz vs Creation Station Satanists From Space
While week 1 saw the Chalmersiz battle it out for a hard fought victory, week 2 brought the rain!!! Knowing that the Chalmersiz were playing one of the worst teams in the kickball league, Coach Candie instructed his players to “do whatever the hell you want, just don’t get injured. All we’ve got in the first aid kit is Hamms-n-whiskey”. After scoring 11 runs in the bottom of the 1st inning, chaos ensued for the Chalmersiz. People began donning Hot Dog body suits, running around the bases with signs & teenage girl jean jackets, there was some left foot kicking, some backwards running…hell they even let some girls played in the outfield. I do believe one of the umps almost got impregnated at home but i can’t remember. With the Chalmersiz up by so much, Coach Candie instituted a mandatory beer-in-hand rule for his team in the last 5-6 innings of the game, including defense. in fact for one out they were instructed to only touch the ball with their feet on defense which led to a home run by the Satanists…that was pretty fun. With too many stats to print, the Chalmersiz won 33-8. The star of the game was Daniel Cox, who after a poor showing in week 1, led all Chalmersiz with 3 home runs including a grand slam.
Week 3: Chalmersiz vs Girls With Low Self Esteem
Week 3 presented a challenge for the Chalmersiz, as 5 of their 13 players were on vacation(2 in Brazil, 2 in Florida, and Coach Candie in Chicago). Luckily, the scheduling gods shined on them and presented a fairly easy match up for them…or so they thought. With the Bunt-Bunt-Kick strategy in full force, somehow GWLSE were able to get a lot of base runners and put them in scoring position. However, assistant captain Brian “Bronco” Costello, who stepped in for Coach Candie, was able to get the Chalmersiz to play their trademark solid “D” when it counted most. Facing 4 situations with the bases loaded, the Chalmersiz gave up no runs in any of those innings. In fact, they only allowed 2 runs overall as they won the game 9-2. Bronco led the way on offense, scoring 3 runs to go with 2 rbi’s.
Week 4: Chalmersiz vs Blue Collar Press
With the week 4 return of 5 key players from vacation, the Chalmersiz were poised for greatness. The sheer fact that everyone actually showed up on time left Coach Candie knowing his team was gonna go balls deep. And in deep they did, scoring 9 runs in the top of the 1st inning, shattering most of the dreams of League Commissioner and Blue Collar Press head coach Geoff Wright. Batting through the order to start the game let everyone know it was time to start drinking heavily b/c this one was pretty much over. While the team came away with a 20-3 victory, it was the defense that was stellar in this outing. Adrian “A-Train” Taylor had an amazing defensive kick from 3rd base to get a runner out at first base, prompting the opposing team bench to yell “are you kidding me?”. Also, rookie recruit Jarred Rybicki had an amazing one handed scoop and throw to get out a fast runner at first as well. But the defensive MVP had to be Brian “Bronco” Costello, whose multitude of plays could have garnered web jem status on ESPN. On one catch, Bronco “climbed the ladder” with full leg and arm extension all while catching the ball at its highest point, to the amazement of the outfielder behind him(Soobs) who had called to make the catch. Then there was the amazing “full-splits” catch on the ball A-Train kicked with his foot from 3rd to 1st. All in all, the Chalmersiz played their most complete game offensively and defensively, and are primed for a good year the rest of the way.
So whats next for The Vibralux Denim Mario Chalmersiz? well look for weekly status updates from now on, as well as these upcoming highlights:
July 3: Chalmersiz vs Brew Ballers. See the return of Chalmersiz kickball legend Priest Fontanello Fontaine, 1 time Kaw Valley Kickball League champion and 2 time Brooklyn Kickball League champion with The John Cougar Mellencamps. Its always epic when Priest makes his yearly trek back from Brooklyn for the Heartland of America Conference.
July 10: the Chalmersiz play last years KVKL champs & division rival Los Luchadores. With a very close 3-2 loss last year, the Chalmersiz will be out for blood. this game will also decide who wins the division so mark your calendars.
July 24: this is when pool play begins. once the division play is over & teams are seeded in their pool, the Chalmersiz could potentially play the top 3 teams in the League…shit gets serious!!!!!
August 14: this is when the playoffs begin. Chalmersiz for life!!!!!!!!!
